how do you know when you're showing too much public affection? or perhaps even too little? i think the 'too much' is spotted much more easily than the 'too little'. it's the couple that can't keep their hands off each other as you're in line at a fast food restaurant.  you get grossed out and feel like stepping up and telling them to get a room. well, maybe not you, but i do. i've always been a strong believer in keeping private things...yes, that's right...private. yet now that i think of it, i am envious of the couple that can't keep their hands off each other. why?

after watching a video that another fellow xangan suggested, i realized what once existed in my relationship no longer does. what is it? the fantasy world that i was living in. one in which only two people existed; him and i. after a few years, i guess i somehow lost my map of that fantasy world and have found my way back into the world of reality. now the world consists of a million other people; not just he and i. i'm not saying i was one of the 'suck-face' couples, but i wasn't afraid to embarrass myself in public for the sake of a smile on my face or his. these days, anything beyond holding hands is- dare i say it- embarrassing.  ha! since when is it a sin to show affection for the one you love? i feel that i'm the couple that has to hide behind a semi truck, look left, right, up, down, and all around before i can sneak in a peck on the cheek. i sometimes wish i could go back to that fantasy world and just do retarded things without regard as to what people think. for heaven's sake, they're perfect strangers that i shall never see again for the rest of my many years on the face of this earth.

so why is it that i still have this reserve that i cannot overcome? i think it's just the way i was raised. in my house, holding hands is affection.  omg! are they holding hands? ha! yet when you turn on the television, you see all this face sucking and much, much more. kind of silly, isn't it? i had sooo much i wanted to say on this topic, yet now that i'm writing, i can't seem to gather my thoughts in order to write. i've realized that is always the case for me. i have all these thoughts that i figure would be oh sooo interesting. then when i start writing, i find no way of expressing myself in an interesting manner. good thing i didn't major in english, eh? i need to read and write more so that i can learn to express myself better. i think the limitation to expressing myself starts out with the limited vocabulary that i possess. i've always noticed this problem. i cannot express myself so that others can actually understand me. i think another reason is that i have like 740739248290 different things running through my mind. i have like 740839048290 different options in the back of my head, yet i'm limited to only one way of expressing myself. that leaves a whole lot of things unsaid. that and my thoughts get rambled up and i no longer posses one clear, complete thought. it's like writing an essay. each sentence must express one complete thought. i have a million incomplete sentences that possess about a two million thoughts.

well, i'll leave my incomplete thoughts incomplete.  perhaps one of these days i'll improve on my 'expressing' skills. till then, i'm stuck with these rambled thoughts.